Home Authors Posts by Ellen L. Walker, Ph.D.

Ellen L. Walker, Ph.D.

4 POSTS 0 COMMENTS

Practice Philosophy Dr. Walker’s evaluation approach is based on gaining practical answers and solutions to the concerns you have. She will assist you by communicating with your physician or other referral source and/or helping you to seek out your own resources. Dr. Walker is a solution-focused therapist. She strives to work with clients in achieving a greater understanding of how current and past thoughts, actions, and circumstances affect current emotions. Her goal is to assist clients in development and utilization of their individual personal resources in their treatment. Background and Clinical Training Dr. Walker’s first counseling experience came in 1983, when she began volunteer work as a telephone crisis counselor in Jackson, Mississippi and then Tokyo, Japan. She has been in private practice in Bellingham since 1991. Dr. Walker was a co-facilitator of the newly formed Adult ADHD Support Group in Bellingham back in the early 1990’s. She served on the board and was president of the Northwest Behavioral Health Independent Practice Association, an organization with over 150 mental health private practitioners. Dr. Walker earned her master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern Mississippi in 1986. She returned to school at Seattle Pacific University for her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, completing this degree in 2000. Licensure and Professional Memberships Dr. Walker attained her Washington State Psychology license in 2001. Every three years, she completes a minimum of sixty hours of continuing education. She is a member of the American Psychological Association (APA), the Learning Disabilities Association of America (LDA), the Learning Disabilities Association of Washington State (LDAWA), Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD), and the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). She is listed as a referral psychologist with each of these organizations.

http://www.ellenlwalker.com/

Why Do Parents Of Childless Offspring Make Waves?

Relationships

Jun 23, 2015

0 13

Why Can’t We Just Get Along?

Why should potential grandparent makers not feel free to exercise their right to have childless marriages?

Not too long ago a client of mine picked up a copy of my book, Complete Without Kids(link is external): An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance, at the local bookstore. I saw her a couple of weeks later, and she shared with dismay that her teenage son had confiscated the book and was enjoying reading it. She said she hoped he wouldn’t get any “ideas” from the book, because she is so much looking forward to being a grandmother. I didn’t really know how to respond. Was I supposed to apologize for writing a book that may help a young person realize that becoming a parent is a choice, and that his life can be full and rich with or without children?

Later, I realized that I’ve felt a similar awkwardness before. It’s always been around women, usually friends and relatives who have teenagers or young adult children. It doesn’t matter if the children are male or female, the key is that they are potential grandchildren-makers, and these wannabe grannies don’t want anything to get in the way of their grandmotherhood. When reflecting on these incidents, my tendency is to feel like I should keep my mouth shut about my book and any discussion of a life without kids or risk damaging these relationships. But does it have to be this way?

Lately there seems to be increasing friction(link is external) between childless adults and parents, and it’s coming from both sides. Adults without kids are starting to speak out(link is external), to question why they are being discriminated against in the workplace and why they don’t get tax breaks(link is external)when they use fewer tax-supported services. Some are asking for childless seating areas(link is external) on airplanes and for parents to take more responsibility for quieting their children so that others on the plane are not disturbed.

Meanwhile, parents with screaming children are wondering what’s happened to the tolerant and usually compassionate passengers in the row behind them. Parents are in turn speaking out(link is external) in response to childless adults. Some parents take expressions of happiness from childless adults as criticism of their own decision to have kids. And when those of us without kids call ourselves “childless,” as opposed to “childless,” some parents likewise take offense(link is external).

This tension between parents and childless women has extended to the media. English journalist Polly Vernon received hate mail when she wrote in an article(link is external) for The Guardian, “I don’t want children.” She never said, “I don’t like children,” so it’s not clear why anyone felt threatened by her remark. My guess is that when a woman says she doesn’t want kids it causes some women to question themselves. Many are probably saying to themselves, “You mean, I had a choice? I thought I had to become a mom.” Others simply feel criticized, as if their role as a mother, said to be the most important and most fulfilling thing a woman does in her life is perhaps not so.

What About Childless Men and Fathers?

The discord between moms and childless women does not seem to cross the gender gap. Men in our society have much more broadly defined life roles, and being a dad is just one of these. Fathers tend to be much more focused on their careers and even their hobbies than mothers are, so they have more in common with their peers who don’t have kids. Meanwhile, some mothers may feel threatened by their husband’s childless friends because of their freer schedules and extra financial resources. They may worry that their husbands will yearn for this less demanding lifestyle.

How Can Parents and Childless Adults Get Along Better?

It is possible for parents and childless adults to better understand and appreciate their differences, and to even celebrate one another. A starting place is to simply be tolerant of different lifestyles without judging that one way of living is superior to another. Listen and take time to understand how and why particular life choices were made. The reality is that we’re not so different after all.

It’s also helpful for us to spend time in each other’s worlds, and to recognize that there are positives and negatives in each. Try to resist thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

If you’re childless, take time to thank your friends who are committed parents for their dedication to raising the next generation. If you’re a parent, show appreciation to your childless friends for what they can give society as a result of not having parenting responsibilities. Even though we live differently, remember: We’re all in this together.

3 Reasons Childless Couples Are More Faithful

Jun 23, 2015

0 14

Not having kids can mean a happier marriage.

New study finds childless couples are more likely to be faithful

This past weekend I stumbled across a new study(link is external) conducted by culture and trend expert Melissa Lavigne-Delville in which 1,000 people age 18 to 49 were asked about patterns of infidelity. Lavigne-Delville found that 18 percent of parents said they’ve been unfaithful in their marriages, compared to 11 percent of childless married people.

According to Lavigne-Delville, many parents found emotional fulfillment through social network connections such as Facebook. So, let’s consider some possible explanations for why childless couples are less likely to be unfaithful.

1) The way childless partners relate to one another does not change as much over time. Couples start out feeling like romantic and sexual partners, but once the first child comes along they frequently begin to see each other as Mom and Dad. I often hear spouses refer to one another by these titles, which further establishes these new roles as primary after children are born. Becoming a parent doesn’t neuter your need for romance, and taking a few minutes to go on line to meet this need is doable, even while raising a family.

2) There’s more time for sex. Couples report a decline in sex(link is external) after having children. Once again, childless couples don’t go through this dramatic shift in their lives. They may, as most couples do, experience a gradual decline in sexual activity over time, but this cannot compare with the sudden halt that typically comes after the birth of the first child. In fact, it’s not safe to have sex soon after childbirth and couples are advised(link is external) to wait from two to six weeks to re-engage.

3) Childless couples have more time to spend together. If you’ve spent time around small children, you know that they tend to command the attention of the adults in the room. An infant does so because most everyone thinks he or she is so darned cute, and toddlers and pre-schoolers do because they seem to require constant interaction. When a couple is childless, they can continue to engage in the same adult activities they’ve always enjoyed together. The childless couples I interviewed for my book, Complete without Kids(link is external), tended to be best friends who shared leisure time together every day.

What are your thoughts on the study? Do you agree or disagree with the findings? Please share a few examples from your own personal experiences.

9 Reasons Dog Rearing Is Easier Than Child Rearing

Jun 22, 2015

0 23

And they're cheaper too!

I’m the “mother” of three darling terriers, Bella, Scuppers, and Sable, and let me tell you, some days they can be a real handful! My morning routine involves getting them all outside for potty time, keeping the food bowls separated, and intervening in squabbles. It takes a lot of time and attention on my part, and not a day goes by when I don’t think about how much more challenging it would be to parent a child. Below are a few ways in which dog rearing is easier than child rearing.

1. Potty training takes several weeks rather than several years.

Most puppies can be “housebroken” in a few weeks if their owner is consistent and knowledgeable. Children need their diapers changed for the first couple years at least. According to Babycenter, an average baby three to six months old requires 10-12 changes a day(link is external), for a grand total of 4015 diapers a year! And it doesn’t stop there: By the age of six, 10% of children are still occasional bed-wetters. I was able to get my pups fully house trained in six months!

2. Dogs are always happy to see you

Even if I’ve gone for just a quick trip to the store,it’s amazing how my dogs are always elated when I get back. They greet me at the door with barks, jumps, and sometimes yelps of delight. How often does the parent of a teenager come home to a surly, silent youth who’d rather be left alone?

3. You never have to worry about where they are when midnight rolls around on Friday.

My dogs stay indoors all the time except when I take them out, so I never worry that they’re getting into trouble—or worse. Children are often away from their parents, and all of us who were once teenagers know that’s cause for concern!

4. You can let them sleep in your bedroom without worrying that they’ll be permanently scarred.

My dogs are spoiled rotten! They have their own beds that are just around the corner from my own, and I tuck them in every night. Then, when it’s almost time to get up in the morning, they enjoy jumping into our bed for a snuggle with my husband and me. In the United States, it’s not considered good parenting in most circles to have children in their parent’s bedroom for too long, and bringing them into the bed is even more frowned upon. I would hate to have to give up that special family time with my pups.

5. You can cut their hair anyway you want.

Once kids reach a certain age, they tend to have strong opinions about how they want their hair styled, not to mention other pivotal fashion decisions, which can lead to arguments with their parents. I’ve never met a dog who resisted even the most ridiculous hair style or outfit chosen by its owner. My dog Bella is a Manchester terrier, so her hair is short. She chills easily and she’s never given me any grief about the silly red plaid sweater I put on her every winter.

6. Dogs don’t have children and then leave them with you to be raised — and you get to decide if they breed at all.

These days it’s not uncommon to see grandparents busy rearing their children’s children. Just imagine: You’ve finally started relaxing into your empty nest only to have your grown child call on you to help raise her child as well! Most dog owners take steps to ensure that our dogs don’t have unwanted pups, and even if they do, it wouldn’t permanently alter our lives. After all, you can just give those cute pups away after eight weeks!

7. You don’t have to be a positive role model.

Sometimes dinnertime conversation around our home is PG-13 (or worse), and it’s sure nice to know that our dogs are not being negatively influenced by our adult banter. We don’t have to chat with Bella, Sable, or Scuppers about how their day went or spend dinnertime inquiring about upcoming school assignments. Instead my husband and I can catch up and make plans for the weekend. We can also choose foods that we like that might not necessarily be good for kids. Plus, we don’t have to demonstrate great table manners for a child who is learning how to relate in the world. Sometimes the chocolate cream pie is so wonderful, I simply have to lick the plate!

8. They don’t have to be watched 24/7.

I’ve heard of parents having Child Protective Services called on them for leaving their kid in the car for a few minutes while they dashed into a store. Being the proud mother of three dogs, I’m extremely protective and constantly on watch to ensure their safety, but I often bring the dogs along for the ride and then leave them in the car while I go in to shop—and I’ve never been scolded for doing so. I live in a constantly cool part of the country and so the problem of heat in vehicles isn’t a concern most of the year. And if it’s too warm or too cold, I simply leave them at home.

9. They don’t ask to borrow the car.

In general, rearing pets is much, much less costly than raising kids, and driving is just one reason why. When kids begin to drive, vehicle insurance rates may double(link is external) for the household. And then there’s the cost of buying a car for that teenager so that yours is there when you need it — and in the same condition you left it.

Many parents would proclaim that a child is well worth any amount of sacrifice, and some would argue that comparing the bond between a mother and child to that between an owner and her dog is silly. Still, many pet owners, myself included, find great comfort and joy with their furrier loved ones. But there’s no need for a contest. After all, love is love, wherever you may find it.

Would You Be Childfree For The Sake Of The Earth?

Jun 22, 2015

0 18

Consider the environmental benefits of not having kids.

Another good reason to be childfree but would you consider it?

Most people consider whether or not to have kids based on lifestyle factors such as career goals, finances, and leisure time, but there’s another group of folks who are doing so primarily for environmental reasons.

This past summer, Time Magazine published a cover story(link is external) about the childfree life that discussed why people decide to not have kids. Author Lauren Sandler wrote that the birthrate in the US is the lowest in recorded history and that the fertility rate actually dropped by 9 percent between 2007 and 2011. She cites cost ($234,900 to raise a child born in 2011 for a family earning less than $100,000 per year) as a major factor in this decline. Careers are also impacted, especially for women, who may lose out on as much as a million dollars because of lost promotions and other missed opportunities in the workplace that result from taking time off to raise kids.

Sandler also points to the sense of freedom that comes from being childfree. Childfree adults have an abundance of time to spend with friends and family, at their jobs, and on their own leisure activities and self-care.

But there’s a third factor that Sandler neglected to discuss in her popular article—the green angle. Lisa Hymas, writer for Grist.org, wrote(link is external) about this in a follow-up to the Timestory. Hymas points out that the global population is now at 7.1 billion and is projected to reach 9.6 billion by 2050. That’s a lot of people stressing an already exhausted earth. She cites a Global Environmental Change study(link is external) that boldly discusses the impact of each child on the earth.

The bottom line from this research is that all of the environmentally conscious deeds a person may do — recycling, riding the bus, etc. — pale in comparison to not having a child. As Hymas states, “The climate impact of having one fewer child in America is almost 20 times greater than the impact of adopting a series of eco-friendly practices for your entire lifetime.”

Hymas is in the lead in her willingness to boldly address this controversial issue and to encourage potential parents to consider the future of the earth when contemplating their own future. Bringing these issues to the forefront may lead them to forego having a child or to adopt instead.

Would you choose to not have kids primarily for the good of the environment? And if you wanted to be a parent, would you choose adoption for this same reason?