Is her search for good men over?
Question
Dear Dr. Love I sure hope you can help me. I am a 34 year old single female and I share a house with my mother.
I have been dating this man off and on for almost two years, he turns 35 in May and he shares a home with this 84 year old grand mother and his disabled brother. I work as a professional secretary for a home health agency. He works two jobs, one as a deputy jailer and the other for the department of highways. He was married in 1997 but divorced in 1998.
Anyway, the problem is that it seems all he wants to do is have phone sex. He’s very good at that!!! I know our situations are somewhat different for people our age, but, when he has free time, where we could get away and be together like a couple, it seems he avoids the whole situation entirely. I have the weekends free and he works dayshift as a jailer on weekends, but when he has a Sunday off, where we could spend Saturday night and Sunday together, he dissapears, he may call leave a message when he gets home on Saturday afternoon but when I call him back he won’t return my call or either he won’t call at all when he has a free weekend.
When we are both working through the week, he will stop over and before he leaves we are out in his car or mine, making out and fondling like two teenagers, which leads to a sexual peak for both of us, but never any actual intercourse, when I suggest it, he always has an excuse. ‘ I won’t be able to hold out, I may ‘come’ very quickly and make you upset. ‘ ‘I don’t have any condoms’ which I always do and I tell him I do, or he will say ‘I won’t be able to take it because I know it’s going to be so good. ‘ But he is able to hold his erection during the fondling and kissing and while we are masturbating each other.
He has told me he was a bit afraid of getting too close to me and that he viewed me as being ‘too good to be true’ that he had someone to call his own. When I get tired of this, I won’t call him for about a week or so, thinking maybe we should just forget the whole thing, then he always calls and we end up talking about work or whatever then the next thing you know, he’s started with the phone sex and there we go!!! I have discused this with him, but I still can’t figure out what is going on in his head.
He is very well endowed so I know that ‘s not an issue. I really want to know if he is telling me the truth or just leading me on for some reason. I mean he has been married before, and he did have sex with is wife. What could be the problem? Please help!!! Do you think I have a chance at any real future with this man? He has a lot to offer, his own home, a good career, etc. , he even has a good personality. A good man for a lady my age is hard to come by!!!
Answer
You have asked me two questions. What’s his problem and do you have a future?
This guy seems absolutely terrified to become too close to you. He holds back physically by not penetrating you, and he avoids getting together for extended periods of time when you are both free. He is scared stiff, well not literally, but in every other way.
Your second question, do you have a future, is a funny thing to ask considering that you really don’t have a present with this man. I mean that there is no working relationship at present and so I wonder why you want a future with a man who gives you so little in the present. He drops by now and then for a quick grope or rings you up for a phone fling, but otherwise you are nowhere with him.
At this point, you have a couple of options. You can deal with the matter head on. To do this you would describe his various distancing behaviors and then tell him that he seems to be afraid to get too close. When he says that he’s afraid that you are’too good to be true, ‘ what he is really saying is that he expects to be let down again. His fear is surely based on his previous disappointment with his ex. He probably thought that things would work out with her and his hopes were dashed when the relationship fell apart. Life has taught him that what seems good at first never lasts. He is expecting the same to happen with you: you are going prove too good to be true, and he is going to be disappointed again.
He needs to talk about exactly how he expects you to disappoint him and what about your relationship he fears won’t last. Get him talking about his feelings, his past relationship, and his first family, where he was surely disappointed. If he digs deeply enough, he will discover that the feeling that nothing good can last stems all the way back to childhood. Someone or something disappointed him terribly and programmed him to expect that nothing good can last. If you can get him talking about what he is afraid of, then you will be able to better assess whether this man is broken beyond repair. If he is willing to own his issues and work them through, then you have a hope of a future. If he is in denial and won’t engage in honest discussion, then you are nowhere with him.
Meanwhile, you need to examine your belief that good men are hard to find at your age. You, yourself, may have issues about whether or not you truly deserve a good man who can give his all to you. If you are used to being disappointed, then you may also be afraid of getting too close to another person. If this is so, you may keep yourself at a safe distance by falling for a guy who needs space and by holding on to the belief that a person your age can’t find a good man.
Good men are out there, if you are ready to embrace them. If you examine and resolve your own intimacy fears, you will be surprised to find that Mr. Right may just be waiting around the corner.
