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Margaret Paul. Ph.D

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967.

Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world -- mostly on the phone. She is able to access spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest®, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding® and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public.

Margaret is passionate about helping people rapidly heal the root cause of their pain and learn the path to joy and loving relationships.

In her spare time, Margaret loves to paint, make pottery, take photos, watch birds, read, ride horses, and spend time with her grandchildren.

Latest posts by Margaret Paul. Ph.D (see all)

• Is Self-Blame Preventing Your Conflict Resolution? - Jun 11, 2015
• Surprisingly You Can Practice Self-Love By Being Loving To Others - Jun 11, 2015
• What Do Men And Women Want From A Committed Relationship And Why? - Jun 8, 2015

Often you’ll find that by practicing self-love you are simultaneously practicing self-love

Have you ever been confused about the boundary between loving yourself and also being loving to others?

This is what Rosanna is struggling with. She asked:

“How do I know where the boundary is between self-love and the selfless love I need to provide for my child? How much do I give? I know this is just a temporary situation when my child is young. Also same question for a relationship, where is the boundary between self-love and what you need to give to keep the relationship nurtured? THANK YOU!!!”

If I was working with Rosanna, I would ask her:

“Rosanna, would you feel good about yourself if you neglected your child?” I’m certain that her answer would be no. Therefore it’s loving to herself to be loving to her child.

I know that it’s sometimes hard to understand that when we are loving to ourselves we are also being loving to others. A major aspect of loving ourselves is giving to others because it brings us joy to give. In fact, the more you bring love to yourself and fill yourself with love, the more you desire to share your love with others.

Rosanna asks: “…where is the boundary between self-love and what you need to give to keep the relationship nurtured?”

There is no boundary between self-love and loving a partner. If loving a partner feels like an obligation – like what you need to do rather than what you want to do – then what you are giving isn’t actually love. When you love someone, then you want to give to that person and you want to keep the relationship nurtured because that’s what’s also loving to you.

If you feel like you are obligated to keep the relationship nurtured, then it’s likely you are trying to control your partner by caretaking. No form of control is loving to you, nor to your partner, and caretaking is certainly a form of control.

Sometimes the wounded self can convince you that you are taking loving care of yourself when what is really happening is that you are ignoring what genuinely makes you happy and is in integrity with your soul. For example, if your baby is crying at night and you are exhausted, your wounded self might say that taking care of yourself is to let your baby cry. But on a deeper level, if you really tune in to what makes you feel good about yourself and is in integrity with your soul, you will know that allowing a helpless baby to cry – no matter how tired you are – is not in integrity with your soul essence. While the wounded self says, “I need sleep,” the loving adult says, “I need to love my baby more than I need to sleep. I chose to have this child knowing that I would be sleep deprived, and I need to stay in faith with myself regarding my internal agreement to be loving to my baby.”

The way that I stay in integrity with myself is to constantly ask my spiritual Guidance, “What is in the highest good of my soul right now?” I’ve learned that it’s never in the highest good of my soul to listen to my wounded self, who might say that I should just take care of myself without considering the effect my behavior has on others. Taking loving care of myself always means that I also care about others.

We are caretaking when we care about others without also take loving care of ourselves, and we are being selfish when we take care of ourselves without also caring about others.

You will find that the more you learn to truly take loving care of your soul, the more naturally you are also caring about others, because it is loving to your soul.

Inner bonding really nurtures and fosters the relationship between self and spirit. Personally, it has helped every relationship that I have. I’m so grateful.- Alanis Morissette

Author’s Books