Frequent Fights About Money Usually Lead To Divorce
Susan Heitler, Ph.D
An author of multiple books, articles, audio cd’s and videos, Dr. Heitler is best known in the therapy community for having brought understandings of conflict resolution from the legal and business mediation world to the professional literature on psychotherapy.
David Decides About Thumbsucking, Dr. Heitler’s first book, has been recommended for over twenty years by children’s dentists to help young children end detrimental sucking habits.
From Conflict to Resolution, an innovative conflict-resolution theory of psychopathology and treatment, has strongly influenced the work of many therapists.
The Power of Two and , and also Dr. Heitler’s website for couples called PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, teach the skills for marriage success.
In addition to her clinical work, Dr. Heitler coaches boards of directors in skills for collaboarative decision-making and, in the world of professional sports, Dr. Heitler serves as mental coach for a men’s doubles tennis team.
Education
Dr. Heitler graduated from Harvard University in 1967, and earned her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from NYU in 1975.
Awards and Accomplishments
The editors of the master therapist video series Assessment and Treatment of Psychological Disorders selected Dr. Heitler from all the marriage and family therapists in the US to demonstrate the theory and techniques of couple treatment. Her video from this series, The Angry Couple: Conflict Focused Treatment has become a staple in psychologist and marriage counseling training programs.
The editors of the Psychologist Desk Reference, a compendium of therapeutic interventions, selected Dr. Heitler to write the chapter onTreating High Conflict Couples. Other editors of books on counseling theory and techniques have similarly invited her to contribute chapters on her conflict resolution treatment methods.
Dr. Heitler’s 1997 book The Power of Two (New Harbinger), which clarifies the communication and conflict resolution skills that sustain healthy marriages, has been translated for publication in six foreign language editions–in China, Taiwan, Israel, Turkey, Brazil and Poland.
Dr. Heitler has been invited to present workshops on her conflict resolution methods for mediators and lawyers, psychologists, and marriage and family therapists throughout the country. She has been a popular presenter at national professional conferences including AAMFT, APA, SmartMarriages, and SEPI and has lectured internationally in Austria, Australia, Canada, China, Israel, Lebanon, Spain, and the United Arab Emirates.
Dr. Heitler is frequently interviewed in magazines such as Fitness, Men’s Health, Women’s World, and Parenting. Her cases have appeared often in the Ladies Home Journal column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” She is often interviewed by Denver TV newscasters for her perspectives on psychological aspects of current events.
In May, 2004 Dr. Heitler appeared on the CBS Early Show where anchor Harry Smith introduced her as “the most influential person in my life—my therapist.” He encouraged his viewers similarly to seek therapy when they are emotionally distressed and pre-marital counseling when they are contemplating marriage.
Most recently, Dr. Heitler, three of her adult children and one of their friends were awarded a U.S. government Healthy Marriages Initiative grant to produce interactive games for teaching marriage communication and conflict resolution skills over the internet. Seehttp://poweroftwomarriage.com to experience their fun, low-cost, high-impact methods of teaching the skills for a strong and loving marriage.
Personal
Dr. Heitler and her husband of almost 40 years are proud parents of four happily married adult children and are grandparents, thus far, of a a baker’s dozen grandchildren.
Latest posts by Susan Heitler, Ph.D (see all)
- What Do You Think Of This Mom’s Parenting Skills? - May 27, 2015
- Self-Talk: You Need To Be Careful What You Say! - May 14, 2015
- Vanishing Twin Syndrome Can Make You Feel That Way - May 12, 2015
Fights about money augurs ill for the survival of relationships
If you think couples fight a lot about sex, take a look at the stats for fights about money. Research by Dr. Terri Orbuch, a research psychologist at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research found that money is the number one cause of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad.
Given the frequency of fights about money, it’s no wonder that a recent study of engaged couples found that more than two-thirds of the couples expressed negative attitudes about discussing money. While confidence about being about to talk productively about this sensitive subject was low and their dread was high, almost half said that they would want to face this awkward subject nonetheless. At the same time, 8%, which is about 1 out of every 12 couples in the study, feared that if they tried to talk about their financial realities, they would end up breaking off the engagement.
At the same time, money issues impact both spouses. Marriage entails, for most people, pooling resources and sharing a financial future. Once these couples have married they will face finances as co-owners of shared financial accounts, making it almost inevitable that they will have to be able to discuss how they will handle their finances. That’s why the upshot of this study, run by the NFCC (National Foundation for Credit Counseling) is that the NFCC now advises all engaged couples to “talk before you walk.”
What aspects of financial management do couples argue about?
A USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll asked that question. They received a surprisingly clear answer: spending too much and saving too little.
The research by Dr. Terri Orbuch (mentioned above) augmented this list of money hot topics. His study found that different spending styles, lies about spending, and one person, often the one who was making more money, trying to control the other also ignited sparks and inflamed tempers.
Are fights about money harmless?
To the contrary, if you don’t want to end up divorced, pay heed. If you want to stay married, beware. A National Survey of Families and Households study conducted some years ago by Jeffrey Dew at Utah State University found that the more disagreement about finances, the higher the likelihood among the 2,800 couples in the study that the couple would end up divorced.
Sure, fights about money may increase the chance of divorce, but how bad do the odds really get that the marriage won’t last if there’s too many? In Dew’s study, couples who disagreed about money issues at least once a week had a 30% higher change of getting divorced than couples for whom financial issues are less often a source of disagreement.
Here’s another way to understand how lethal fights about money are for a marriage.
One study found that for wives, two factors are among the best predictors of divorce: fights about money and fights about sex.
For men, financial differences were the only source of fights that proved statistically significant in predicting divorce. That is, sex may be a problem but men will put up with a lot of frustration and disappointment in that arena before they give up on a marriage. For many men however, money differences can become a do or die issue.
What can you do if you and your loved one have been having fights about money?
If you knew that you soon would have to ski down a steep and treacherous slope you would take skiing lessons lest you crack your head open or break a leg on the way down the slope. If you are going to get married, or if you see sensitive financial issues likely to arise on the road ahead, take lessons from a marriage counselor, take an online or in-person relationship communications skills course, or read up on how to discuss emotionally sensitive issues. Seeing a financial adviser who can help the two of you build a common understanding of the financial issues you need to face together can also help.
In addition, for help preventing fights about money you might want to get hold of a deck of cards. Yes, cards, in the form of a Money Habitudes card deck. Money Habitudes cards offer a fun way to can help couples to build a foundation of mutual understanding, respect and even good humor vis a vis their differing money habits and attitudes. After playing with Money Habitudes cards, subsequent discussions about money issues are likely to feel less emotionally loaded. Instead of locking into an immediate tug of war couples are more likely to be able to launch with a sympathetic statement. “I do understand how frightened you feel when I go over budget one month, and at the same time here’s what happened ….”
Lastly, if fights about money are continuing, get a third party involved who can calm down the situation by adding a third perspective. A financial adviser can help you to develop shared understandings of your money realities. This site by Denver financial adviser Lauren Sigman explains what these financial professionals can do to help. Similarly, a therapist with good mediator skills can help the two of you talk more calmly and productively about the financial issues you face. Also, a therapist may help you each to understand the deeper, less conscious roots of some of your more agitating fears and concerns.
The bottom line
Fighting seldom leads to creative solutions on any issue, and especially not with regard to fights about money. Learn instead to talk calmly with each other. Listen respectfully to each others concerns. Then dance your way to a shared financial vision with the Win-Win Waltz.
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Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Denver who specializes in helping couples build the skills for a strong and loving partnership, is author of the , and online program called Power of Two.
