Mature Love And Marriage Go Together Like A Horse And Carriage
Christine Meinecke, Ph.D.
Dr. Meinecke is in her nineteenth year of full-time private practice in Des Moines, Iowa. Prior to entering private practice, she worked in hospital mental health settings She has taught psychology and psychotherapy classes to undergraduates, graduate students, and medical residents.
She is also a playwright. Her full-length, comedic play, Flutter the Dovecotes, was the 2009 winner of the Iowa Playwrights Workshop competition and was premiered by Tallgrass Theatre Company in January 2010. For more information about Flutter the Dovecotes click ”works” tab.
For thirty-plus years, she has practiced yoga and taught yoga classes in various settings.
She met her beloved wrong person while both were graduate students at University of Kansas. They have been married twenty-nine years.
Latest posts by Christine Meinecke, Ph.D. (see all)
- Want a Happy Marriage? Follow This Rule - Dec 15, 2013
- Runnin’ with Your Hair Blowin’ Back Fuels Negative Emotions - Nov 29, 2013
- The Real Reason Marriages Fail Revealed - Nov 28, 2013
Child or adult, the feeling is the same!
Readers of Everybody Marries the Wrong Person already know that infatuation is temporary, disenchantment is inevitable, and mature love is essential to marital satisfaction. Getting from disenchantment to mature love is simple. Not easy, of course, but the concept is simple.
From Disenchantment to Mature Love
Disenchantment results when spouses:
1. Hold unrealistic expectations based on conventional wisdom. For example:
- Spouses are supposed to fulfill each other’s wants and needs.
- If I love, I will be equally loved in return.
- If you love me, you will change.
- My spouse will never treat me badly.
- True love conquers all.
2. Vent post-infatuation frustration, feelings of disenchantment.
- We feel like running and crying.
- Instead, we vent the “grown-up” way, verbally vandalizing our ’til-death-parts-us relationship.
3. Blame each other for marital dissatisfaction.
Mature love results when spouses behave self-responsibly, which means taking responsibility, minute-by-minute, for our own happiness and unhappiness. Self-responsible spouses:
- Refute conventional wisdom about romantic relationships.
- Meet their own wants and needs.
- Learn to comfort themselves, when feeling disenchanted.
- Wrestle unrealistic expectations to the ground.
- Censor unhealthy reactions.
Of course, we all deeply wish for life to be easy and expect our spouses to bust a gut making that wish come true. As deflating and daunting as it may initially seem, giving up the fantasy is a first step toward self-responsibility. Learning to manage our emotional reactions, insecurities and dark moods leads to marital satisfaction.
If only one spouse behaves self-responsibly, both spouses benefit. If both spouses behave self-responsibly, marriages flourish.
