Dear Duana,
My fiancé and I haven’t had sex with each other, but I *masturbate every day. I’ve always felt guilt about it, and now I’m worried it will ruin my ability to please my future wife. How do I stop? I’m getting married soon…
Albert
Dear Albert,
I’m touched by your concern for your future wife’s sexual happiness, and honored you’d let me lend a hand as you prepare for your nuptials. Let’s not beat around the bush, though: I can’t help you stop masturbating, since none of the self-love research deals with quitting.
On the other hand, 100% of the science suggests you keep on rubbing, *especially* following your marriage. In fact, you might want to get your fiancé to join you—or at least to double-click her mouse alone.
Why? In a nutshell, it’s time to bone up on your facts:
Masturbation Is Normal
Since 1970, research suggests that 85% of Americans have embraced guilt-free auto eroticism. However, ancient cock-and-bull stories still contribute much ignorance, guilt and worry. And if you’re bent on quitting, devices that bite into any would-be erection are available today just as they were during the Victorian era.
But instead of clamping plastic teeth into your member, may I suggest this? Embrace masturbation as totally, utterly normal. The well-educated, white and/or male masturbate most, but the vast majority of American adults have tried it—and many try, try again. And again. And…well, I think you understand.
Indeed, when 89 of our own Wise Readers answered a self-love survey (please see beneath my signature for results and comparisons with national norms), their responses were fascinating:
—100% of the men and 91% of the women masturbate;
—16% of the men do it at least once per day; and
—men and women masturbate even when they have/had a mate.
Which brings us to the next prong of our discussion:
Masturbation Is Lifelong
Just as Americans were historically (hysterically?) obsessed with keeping Junior from spanking his monkey, today many think masturbation is kid stuff to be renounced upon finding a partner.
In various studies, respondents express worries that they shouldn’t do anything sexual without their partner; that masturbating takes pleasure from the mate; or that rubbing the nub means something’s amiss in the marriage.
Yet masturbation is not something you marriage out of—and may be even more common after marriage than before. And in the landmark research on the topic, those who masturbate most make love the most, too.
Perhaps that’s because…
Masturbation Is Helpful
Far from wrecking partnered ecstasy, masturbation benefits couples in many ways (please see survey responses for more complete list):
—Masturbation smooths the path to sexual compatibility. Not only does masturbation teach each of you what you like—giving you the opportunity for a titillating show-n-tell when you’re as one—it’s also the treatment of choice for the top sexual complaints of men and women.
Help For Her:
“I feel completely positive about masturbation. I think it is even more important in women because many times we have to teach and train ourselves how to have an orgasm rather than just having the ability like most men.” —Woman respondent
Did you know? The #1 female sexual dysfunction is the inability to have an orgasm…because of ignorance! Women have to *learn* to orgasm, and the most effective way is through self-touch. And women who masturbate have more multiple orgasms, too.
As another participant said, “I think because I have been masturbating since puberty, I now have an easy time reaching climax with a partner compared to other women my age….”
Once women learn what pleases them, masturbation remains immensely assistive during couples sex. To be blunt, for most females, it’s what’s on our outside that counts, and the clitoris is inconveniently distant from the vagina. So only 30% of women come through intercourse alone. The rest? Need a helping hand.
Help For You:
Ironically, as your wife worries she’ll never come, you’re likely concerned with the opposite in yourself. Masturbation is the best tool for premature ejaculation.
Teach yourself to delay your orgasm by waiting until just before the point of no return during masturbation, stopping what you’re doing ‘til the feeling subsides, and then resuming your stroke. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. (Bonus: When you finally release, your orgasm will be intense, dude.)
Plus, if you masturbate before lovemaking, you won’t peter out during penetration. Men and women alike noted this bonus of male masturbation; as one woman said, “Honestly, if my partner masturbates, then later, we have sex, it makes the sex last longer.”
—Masturbation helps couples remain happy and faithful even when they have chronically different sex drives. It’s almost guaranteed: You and your wife won’t always be in sync. Even if you start out fully compatible, marriage has a way of leading to babies, and babies have a way of leading to Mom’s exhaustion. Or you might be the one going through stress, illness or some other factor that lowers your drive.
Yet many couples learn to live happily even with large, permanent differences of desire by protecting the fidelity and happiness of the marriage with self-love.
In the words of one respondent, “My wife does not have the same level of sex drive. I love her and respect her “limitations” in this area. I would probably rather not masturbate, but when I refrain it strains our relationship because I press for sex more often. So, I handle things on my own until she is ready. I also believe it helps us in the bedroom because I am able to last longer and satisfy her.”
Another said, “My wife’s libido is way lower than mine, and if I want to maintain my sanity and relationship I use masturbation. Monogamy would be unsustainable without it…..”
Or as one woman put it, “My sexual partner is eighteen years older than I am; and his sex drive is not as strong as mine. He knows I do it frequently….It has no effect on the relationship either way because it’s just something that I need for stress relief….masturbation is my key to sanity! Thanks!”
Albert, social scientists have come so far that in two generations, we’ve gone from labeling self-love as deviant to recommending it as a proven sex therapy. You, too, could benefit from changing your beliefs—not your habits. If so, I think you’ll find that self-pleasure brings you and your mate more in-touch as you deepen your compatibility.
And that’s a great wedding present… and future.
Cheers,
Duana
Survey RESULTS for Folk Wisdom: Masturbation
—with sincere thanks to the 89 Wise Readers who contributed their answers and insights
Note that this is not a scientific survey. As with other Love Science Folk Wisdom questionnaires, the sampling was non-random. With few exceptions, the results strongly suggest the survey held the most appeal for those who enjoy and feel good about masturbation, whether or not they are in a relationship.
Here’s what they said:
RESPONDENT GENDER: 64% women, 36% men
RESPONDENT AGE: 17% were ages 18-24; 12% ages 25-34; 50% ages 35-44; 17% ages 45-54; 5% ages 55-64; and 1% were 65 or over.
(Note: Throughout the survey, percentages were rounded to the nearest 10th and may thus total slightly greater or less than 100%.)
RESPONDENT SEXUAL ORIENTATION: 11% self-identified as bisexual, 5% as homosexual, and 84% as heterosexual.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: DO YOU MASTURBATE?
Only 7% of the respondents—all of whom were women (11% of the female total)—said they don’t masturbate now.
14% of all respondents—all of whom were women (21% of the female total)—said they masturbate once a month or less.
26% of all respondents –35% of the women and 9% of the men—said they masturbate once a week or less.
48% of the respondents—33% of the women and 75% of the men—said they masturbate more than once a week but less than once a day.
And 6% of the respondents—all of them men (16% of the male total)—said they masturbate more than once a day.
It’s interesting to cover some of the responses at either end of the spectrum. Of the women who never masturbate, half thought masturbation was dirty, said that they never had masturbated, or that they had done it but felt guilty afterwards. One had masturbated (albeit with guilt) when younger, but found that menopause removed the urge.
Of the men who masturbated at least once daily, all felt positively about it, both in terms of their own masturbation and/or a partner’s. (And no, the daily ‘baters were *not* all the youngest men!)
How do these data compare with scientifically collected national data? In a nutshell, we’re a handier lot than average.
In Edward O. Laumann’s landmark NHSLS Survey (1994), the well-educated, white and male masturbated more than other groups. Specifically, the following percentages were found for those who masturbated once per week or more during the prior year: 28% of white men and 7% of white women; 17% of black men and 11% of black women; and 24% of Hispanic men and 5% of Hispanic women.
Compare that to the 75% of men and 33% of women masturbating “at least once a week but less than every day” in our survey.
Upshot? Even if we assume all Love Science readers are white, well-educated and male—which is false—we’re an unusually in-touch bunch.
And as you can see below, it does not appear to be hurting our relationships.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF YOU HAVE/HAD A PARTNER AND YOU MASTURBATE(D), HOW DOES/DID YOUR PARTNER FEEL ABOUT IT?
The vast majority of our sample either had a partner who accepted their masturbation, regardless of gender; or they hid their masturbation from their partner.
5% of the women and 3% of the men indicated they had never had a partner;
21% of the women and 31% of the men said their partner didn’t know they masturbated;
65% of the women and 63% of the men said their partner was fine with it; and
16% of the women and 3% of the men said their partner was bothered by it.
(One non-masturbating Wise Reader pointed out a bias in the survey: There was no “I’ve never masturbated” or “I don’t masturbate” option in the answers! Guess I tipped my hand…)
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IF YOU HAVE/HAD A PARTNER AND YOUR PARTNER MASTURBATES/MASTURBATED, HOW DO/DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
Note that in the question just above, women were more likely than men to hide their own self-pleasuring, perhaps because women perceived that their partners would be more bothered by it.
Interestingly, though, *all* of the survey respondents who were not okay with a partner’s self-pleasuring were female. However, most partners of both sexes had no problem with their sweetie’s self-love:
5% of the women and 3% of the men indicated they had never had a partner;
19% of the women and 25% of the men said they didn’t know whether their partner masturbated;
65% of the women and 72% of the men said they were fine with their partner’s masturbation;
19% of the women and 0% of the men said they were bothered by their partner’s masturbation.
RESPONDENT ANSWERS: IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO ADD? For instance: —What are your feelings about masturbation in general? Do you feel guilty, ashamed or threatened by it? Do you feel positively about it? —If you masturbate and you have a sexual partner, why do you masturbate? Does it have anything to do with the quality of your relationship? Is it a release for when your partner does not want sex and you do? Do you think the masturbation helps or hurts the relationship?
This question was optional, and just over half the respondents answered. The vast majority expressed that they feel positively about masturbation; that they do masturbate even if they have a sexual partner; and that as long as the masturbation does not replace the couple’s intimacy, it enhances the quality of the relationship.
Guilt or pleasure?
92% of the women and 97% of the men said they currently feel great about masturbation as long as it is not replacing sex with the partner. 8% of the women and 3% of the men currently feel guilt or disgust regarding masturbation. Several other women used to feel bad about it as children or young adults, but as one put it, “I got over that.”
Partnered or single?
100% of the men and just over 90% of the women masturbate(d) regardless of their relationship status.
9% of the women and 3% of the men were ambivalent about masturbation. For instance, two women were simultaneously turned on and disgusted when their men viewed porn during masturbation. Other respondents spoke in firm favor, but qualified it with the stricture that it would make them jealous and hurt if their partner masturbated *instead of* and in preference to making love with and communicating with them. Otherwise, the attitudes expressed by almost all others were unreservedly in favor of the practice while in relationship.
Why masturbate when you’ve already got a partner?
Masturbation has many research-validated benefits, and Wise Readers listed nearly every one. Some of the benefits men and women respondents named were:
—Masturbation lets a partner experience release or stress relief when the other isn’t in the mood or is geographically unavailable, ill, etc.
—Masturbation keeps the partner faithful and/or levels out differences in sex drives between partners.
—Masturbation prevents sexual frustration for the more sexually motivated partner, and keeps the less sexually motivated partner from feeling harassed.
—Masturbation helps couples remain happy with their relationship even when they have very different needs for sexual frequency.
—Masturbation is quick and easy when one person wants a guaranteed release.
—Masturbation is a valuable learning tool for what works for the couple apart and together.
—Masturbation helps women learn to orgasm, and leads to more and multiple orgasms.
—Masturbation during intercourse or during a couple’s sexual interactions helps women experience orgasm.
—Masturbation helps men learn to delay ejaculation.
—Masturbation helps men to treat erectile dysfunction.
—Masturbation enhances the sex drive for some people, helping them to be more attuned to wanting sex when the partner wants it (men and women both said this was true of women).
—Masturbation acts as a relaxation and sleep aid.
—Masturbation adds variety and spice to the couple’s sex life when they practice together.
—Masturbation prevents sleeping around for single people, because they don’t depend on anyone else for an orgasm (this was mentioned only by women).
—Masturbation can reduce or eliminate menstrual cramps (as can sexual intercourse).
Select quotes from our Wise Readers (No, this isn’t all they wrote!):
Man’s response: “….I only masturbate to completion when I won’t be seeing my gf for a few days. I masturbate, but not to completion, every day….. Being open about it improves the quality of the relationship through honest and open dialogue. Masturbation can improve performance and it can take the edge off of particularly stressful days when a significant other is not around or neither of you have the time for “mutual sex”. In my experience, It only seems to hurt a relationship when a significant other was brought up in a strict religious upbringing.”
Man’s response: “The thought of my partner getting turned on specifically how she wanted to is arousing.”
Man’s response: “I was fine with it until she lost interest in sex with me. Then, her masturbating in front of me seemed hostile.”
Man’s response: “… as long as it is not a substitute for ME, I am fine with it. Keeps the batteries charged.”
Woman’s response: “My boyfriend thinks that I think of other guys when I masturbate. He is wrong. I don’t think of anyone or anything really.”
Woman’s response: “For me, the more sexually active I am, the more I want. Masturbation helps keep my libido up.”
Woman’s response: “[My husband] thinks he’s not doing his job if I “need” to do it.”
Woman’s response: “…his physician recommended it as a cure for erectile dysfunction.”
Woman’s response: “I think because I have been masturbating since puberty, I now have an easy time reaching climax with a partner compared to other women my age. …. We definitely like spicing things up occasionally and watching each other masturbate rather than having sex.”
Woman’s response: “Me and him both have problems getting off during sex so he doesn’t mind if i use toys or my own hands to get myself off only during sex. Although he has asked me to please not masturbate when he is not around.”
Woman’s response: “My boyfriend was actually very excited to learn that I masturbate because I am a virgin….and he had been worried about our ability to “get it on” later. I assured him that this would not be a problem….”
Woman’s response: “Being a female, I find that I need a bit more ‘stimulation’ to make it happen or definitely speed it up. I guess he feels the vibrator is competition, or that I shouldn’t ‘need’ any tools to help, that he should be sufficient. I guess this is a bruise to his ego, even though I’ve told him it is what my body needs….Most times masturbation leads to an orgasm or two on my time table and a sense of calm and well-being…..maybe one day my mind will relax, and he will relax his views on ‘external help’ and mutual masturbation-which I think would be a serious turn on-at least for me!”
Woman’s response: “Honestly, if my partner masturbates, then later, we have sex, it makes the sex last longer.”
Woman’s response: “I dislike him masturbating to porn. I love it when I know he’s masturbating to naked pictures of ME but I don’t want him looking at other women &/or thinking about other women when he comes.”
Man’s response: “My wife’s libido is way lower than mine, and if I want to maintain my sanity and relationship I use masturbation. Monogamy would be unsustainable without it….. As a Catholic, it is a serious and constant struggle to follow the teachings while dealing with the physiological drives.”
Man’s response: “I masturbate because I have a stronger sexual desire than my wife. I believe by me masturbating it takes some of the burden off of my wife who does not look for sex that often and it keeps me from looking for sex in other places (if you know what I mean!!).”
Man’s response: “First off i think masturbation is a healthy and normal thing to do. It is also very helpful when in a relationship to see how your partner touches themselves while they masturbate. I am neither guilty, ashamed or threatened by it. Show me someone who doesn’t masturbate and I will show you someone who is dead.”
Man’s response: “good way to reduce stress and premature ejaculation and can be a exciting way to turn on your partner if either you tell them that you did it while thinking of them or if they are watching the act….No it does not have to do with the quality of the relationship, some people have a higher need “to get off” than others.”
Man’s response: “My wife does not have the same level of sex drive. I love her and respect her “limitations” in this area. I would probably rather not masturbate, but when I refrain it strains our relationship because I press for sex more often. So, I handle things on my own until she is ready. I also believe it helps us in the bedroom because I am able to last longer and satisfy her.”
Man’s response: “At times I do it because my wife and I have such busy schedules and unmatched sleep schedules. But then it starts to become a habit of convenience and I feel I need to resist it and make an effort to get back to being with her.”
Man’s response: “ I find that sex with another person satisfies me for days afterward, where self-pleasuring seems to encourage more self-pleasuring to a point.”
Man’s response: “Even when you’re with a partner it’s necessary. They aren’t going to want the same satisfaction at the same time as you in perpetuity, so it’s better to satisfy yourself than be frustrated. Plus on those lonely nights, it definitely helps me fall asleep.”
Woman’s response: “Masturbation is not relevant to my relationship with my partner. It gives me a different type of physical pleasure but it doesn’t substitute sex.”
Woman’s response: “Masturbation is in my opinion part of being a healthy individual. I don’t have a problem doing it or admitting to it. Nor do I have a problem with my partner doing it. I get very hormonal and sexual at certain times in my monthly cycle and my husband sometimes has a problem keeping up with me! So it’s usually then that I ‘sort myself out’. Equally at other times in my cycle I’m just too tired or not in the mood, so he will feel the need. Most of the time though, we have a fantastic sex life, we’re both very open minded, love sex and fantasies and are a great match sexually so there isn’t a great need to satisfy ourselves in that way, but if there is then there’s never an issue for either of us.”
Woman’s response: “Given that we have a decidedly disparate desire for sex, I think it helps our relationship. It would probably hurt it if my husband were threatened by it, in any way. Luckily he’s not! As often as not, he is included in some way (either telling him about it later, him asking me what I like to do, fantasies about it that we share, or mutual experiences during lovemaking.) It’s just one small part of our overall sexual relationship, so I guess maybe that’s key.”
Woman’s response: “It helps me, consequently it helps the relationship.”
Woman’s response: “My parents always let me know it was normal, so I never had any “shame” feelings about it. I’m grateful to them for that. — I do it when I’m in the mood and am by myself. It just seems like a “self-maintenance” kind of thing. It doesn’t have any correlation with the health of my relationship. However when we both in a sexual mood, we focus on each other. I’d be disappointed if he didn’t come to me first.”
Woman’s response: “I think masturbation is the best way for a woman to learn about her body. It is liberating to know that “you can do this”, and it is obviously a great way to discover what pleases you.”
Woman’s response: “I think that a lil masturbation is ok, and possibly even in front of each other. When you would rather masturbate instead of have sex then that is where the problem comes into play.”
Woman’s response: “I like my partner but sometimes I’m not in the mood for all the hoopla. Of, I just am waking up, still completely relaxed, and just want to privately enjoy myself my way.”
Woman’s response: “I feel completely positive about masturbation. I think it is even more important in women because many times we have to teach and train ourselves how to have an orgasm rather than just having the ability like most men. Unfortunately, I’ve found many of the people who have problems with masturbation are heterosexual females, and especially the older, religious, or conservative ones. Masturbation has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship in my opinion. One, it spices up and adds variation to your sexual experience. Two, it is relaxing sometimes to only have to care about your own sexual needs and no one else’s. You can do exactly what you want how you want it. Three, it allows you to better figure out what you are into so you can better inform your partner what you like and what you don’t like in bed. Four, it makes you more comfortable and confident with a part of your body you may not interact with normally. Five, hands down, I’ve had the best sex with the partners who masturbate regularly and don’t feel guilty about it. They are comfortable telling me what they like and don’t like and are open to me explaining what I like and don’t like. Six, sometimes stress or other things make someone’s sex drive plummet. It’s nice to be able to take care of yourself while still respecting your partner’s mood. In the final analysis, I believe masturbation helps relationships.”
Woman’s response: “I feel positively about it and recommend other women to try it too. My partner is currently a continent away so masturbation is the only release we have (including masturbation as a component of phone sex). When he was in town, however, self-stimulation was a good way for one of us to get release when the other didn’t want to; we’d ask permission (“Since you’re not in the mood, would you mind if I came by myself?”) and then the non-masturbating partner would become an active viewer/observer/supporter of the one who needed release. That definitely helps the relationship so that one person doesn’t feel rejected when the other person isn’t “up” (pun intended) for sex.”
Woman’s response: “I have always enjoyed it. I don’t even remember when it began but I was probably a baby, very young. I believe it is important for health and well-being. It keeps my body fluids active. It is not a matter of masturbating in lieu of sex but is another dimension to sex.”
Woman’s response: “I feel no shame in masturbation. Quite frankly, I think masturbating is AWESOME. It is a great release at the end of a day when my partner and I are not sharing a bed. I think masturbation is normal and natural. I feel a great deal of sympathy for women who either don’t masturbate because they think it is shameful or lie about their masturbation habits because they are ashamed of finding their own pleasure. Masturbation does not affect my relationship with my partner. I think it helps our relationships. We can talk about what we like in masturbation and keep those things in mind when we have sex.”
Woman’s response: “I think masturbation is very helpful in our relationship as my sex drive is much higher than my partners. We choose not to masturbate when we could have intercourse together instead.”
Woman’s response: “I was taught in our religious home that….masturbation was wrong (the bible says nothing about it)….As an adult, I feel there is nothing wrong with masturbation, it feels like a wonderful release of tension and leaves me with a satisfying sense of well-being and calm. I can just about be guaranteed an orgasm through masturbation with a vibrator, but I also like using it sometimes during sex (if anything it makes me tighter for my man), he doesn’t care for this external addition, but…..hopefully he’ll come around and not see it as competition or a replacement…..society should be more open about masturbation and its role in our sex lives, especially to women, for some reason it seems it is more acceptable for a man to masturbate than it is for a woman to do so. Masturbation is not sinful, dirty, lusty, leads to blindness, leads to sexual dissatisfaction during coitus, leads to dependency, etc. It’s just another dish on the big buffet of sexual relations and encounters. I plan on enjoying it for as long as I can!”
Woman’s response: “I have a partner but he does not fulfill me and we hardly have sex anymore. It’s like we only live together nothing else. Plus I was never really interested in sex too much but he is. So, I know that he masturbates at least once a week if not more often. However, it hurts me that we cannot fulfill our needs and had to turn that way.”
Woman’s response: “There are times when I’m not getting along with my partner but I want to feel good and need the release of an orgasm. Masturbation fulfills this for me. And then there are times when we are getting along great and our sex life is good and I just want a little more. Masturbation fulfills this, too. And then sometimes, I “help” myself while we’re having sex by masturbating and that heightens the experience. And then sometimes I let him do it all…..The times I feel uncomfortable about masturbation for my partner is if I feel he’s replacing me. If he’s choosing not to build real intimacy between us but deciding to take a short cut, I feel threatened….[we need to make sure to maintain our] connection with each other.”
Woman’s response: “I sometimes masturbate to “satisfy the urge” since I am not in a relationship and don’t want to “sleep around”…”
Woman’s response: “My sexual partner is eighteen years older than I am; and his sex drive is not as strong as mine. He knows I do it frequently; and it has no ill effects on our relationship at all. It has no effect on the relationship either way because it’s just something that I need for stress relief….masturbation is my key to sanity! Thanks!”
Woman’s response: “I don’t think it’s right and I do feel ashamed and guilty. But I also miss not having someone to have sex with. Has been over six months and that’s a long time considering how much I love sex. I’d rather play it safe, than to have someone whose history I don’t know about and risk an STD. I guess I will continue to take care of myself until I can find someone who I truly like and trust. Waiting sucks. Lol.”
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
—Edward O. Laumann and his colleagues on the foremost modern sexuality survey in America, the NHSLS (National Health And Social Life Survey).
—Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for . Also Robert Crooks and Karla Baur, for . Everyone with a body needs a human sexuality textbook; these are my favorites, and provided the starting place for much research in this article.
—Paul Joannides’ ! It’s the most fun you can have with a layman’s how-to.
—John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, for presenting information on how couples use masturbation to even out common sexual-desire differences after the birth of a child, in their book “ ”.
—And if the relief you seek is comic, here’s an article from The Onion to tell what is/isn’t an acceptable masturbation fantasy.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2011.
